Healing The Father Wound
Healing The Father Wound:
A little background…
I was in the 9th grade (or something like that, my brain doesn't really let me remember) when my dad walked out on my life.
I do particularly remember the moment he left though. It was in the evening and he was by the doorway talking to my mom--I assume it was some grumbling in regards to why he was leaving and my mom requesting that he stay.
He told me, he was leaving to go back to Michigan (where I was born) to work.
Okay...sure, yeah. Dad's gotta go to work, that's what dads do right?
Dad never came back.
Fast forward to my 20s.
I was living my best life and at the same time, the worst.
A bunch of things happened in between this time, losing my mom to cancer being one. I had really bad depression and anxiety during these next few years. I would often have an anxiety attack in the middle of social gatherings. I was so so lost and low on faith.
I wanted to hurt myself and leave this world to be with my mother.
When that happened, I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. So I began counseling.
And it was a great experience, it was exactly what I needed at the time, but talk therapy only did so much for me long term.
So as a means to healing the hole in my heart, I started seeking for more answers. I wanted freedom. I wanted peace, and love, and purpose.
I was 23 when I decided to leave town and travel the world alone--to experience life, to find meaning, and ultimately discover who I was as a young adult.
It was the best experience ever. But... it also left me dry in my bones.
Because in the seeking and self development, I never really tended to the emotional wounds I experienced, I only covered it up with fleshly desires and 'living in the moment'.
All that led me to was sin, and shame, and disappointment, and emptiness.
I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with men. I couldn't get along with other girls because all I cared about was getting 'better, stronger, and healed', not about the latest Gossip Girl episode. I never really had the chance to BE a girl.
I spent most my life up to this point trying to be as masculine as I could. I didn't know any other way because I couldn't afford it--I couldn't afford being 'feminine'.
I had to work my own way up. I made my own money. I fixed my own car issues. I became fearlessly the most independent woman I knew--because my mom had to do it herself and this was what I thought was the way.
Men can't be trusted. That's what I believed.
Oh boy, was I so so exhausted already.
All of this fight, this self-sufficiency, this need for self validation that I was 'worthy enough'...
I didn't know...that so much of my pain was still there.
I was living so freely, doing whatever I wanted, but little did I know that fleshly desires and self control only lead to death.
It wasn't until God called me home in the midst of one of the second darkest times of my life. I was in a relationship and cheated--the one thing that I never thought I would be capable of.
This sent me down a very very painful road to healing. I shut myself out from the world. I didn't eat. I couldn't move. I had lost a sense of identity.
At that point, I was so defeated. I couldn't understand why--why couldn't I love or receive love? Why was my self worth still tied to all these toxic relationships with men?
When I couldn't do it anymore, I fell to my knees and called out to God to help me and save me.
And there in the midst of my dark room...He came to me.
His Grace was so patient and kind to me. He taught me that my wounds were not my fault, but that there was still healing required for my heart. He taught me that the consequence of sin is death, and that the more I try to fix myself and find worldly freedom, the longer I will remain chained.
He also taught me that His mercy is great and that His love is abundant. He taught me that true healing happens through rest in Jesus.
From that moment on, I was not the same person anymore. It was the beginning of becoming fully devoted to Christ.
And in that journey, God has revealed to me a way towards healing trauma that I never thought would be possible. Simple rest and surrender in Him.
Resting in His grace led me to discovering the power of emotional healing and regulation. It led me to the wisdom of integrative wellness, where I learned more about our own biology and physiology.
Overtime, after being in my studies and studying deeper the word of God, He revealed to me how His ultimate design of the human body was made to fully reflect the perfection of God Himself; we could bridge both physical healing and spiritual healing through the somatic body and the nervous system--by exploring emotional regulation WITH Christ.
This is because much of trauma happens on an emotional level—stored somewhere in our amygdala or emotional brain. Unless we tap into our emotions attached to our unique experiences and process them through the body, these emotional memories can continue to cause behavioral triggers, psychological distress, and physical disease from chronic illness to autoimmunity. This is also the reason why talk therapy isn’t always the most effective treatment plan for trauma.
I am 30 years old now.
For the first time in my life I can reconnect with my father with no bitterness. I have a beautiful relationship with a man who chooses to honor me, my body, submits to God, and provides a safe space for me to continue exploring the nuances of healing my traumas. I am living in my most feminine era; I give myself slow mornings, work from home at my own pace, and tend to all the things of my home.
I am healed and continue to be healed because of Jesus.
So my friend, if you've read my whole story up to this point, I just want to say that I hear you, I see you. I know the burden and the cost. I know the weight of it all.
But it doesn't have to be exhausting anymore.
If you still find yourself repeating certain patterns or sins, and you want to break free from the cycle, I encourage you to pray to Jesus. Ask Him to come into your presence and ask Him to show you His way.
If you are still walking with lingering bitterness, grief, self-doubt, resentment, or insecurity about who you are and what you're capable of...
I'd love to personally invite you to The Renewal Project--our 12-week Signature Community Healing experience designed for the woman who wants to experience freedom from trauma and freedom to be confident in her own body.
If you would like to be considered to join our current Fall cohort, send in your application here.
There is much healing that will take place here. This is the work that helped me heal my heart and so many other women around the world.
I can't wait to see you there. x
Yours truly,
Kelsey